A new level

(This post is about my personal path to healing, everybody heals differently and at different paces. Different people want different things with their lives, no judgement is implied.  I hope me telling the story of my path to healing and happiness doesn’t offend anybody.)

I’ve reached a whole new level in getting over being infertile. This month we had a pregnancy scare. It all started with our coffee pot finally giving up. I decided that instead of replacing it with a regular coffee pot we needed a espresso maker/coffee pot combo. Jack was pretty excited about our new toy so we had espresso for breakfast and lunch that day just because he wanted to play with it. Now, I love coffee but it isn’t the best for my stomach sometimes, and my beloved husband forgot that little detail and put several shots of espresso in each drink. By the end of the day I was puking my guts out which I attributed it to the coffee but I was nauseated for a couple of days after too.

Then my period was late, almost a week late, which never happens to me and I mean never. Not even when I was on 2 mls of PIO daily. Even when I am having crazy hot flashes and menopause symptoms up the wazoo, my period is on time or early. When the thought occurred to me that I might be pregnant, my first emotions were not joy. I thought “Of course the universe would do this to me right after I started a new job” I refused to test because I made a solemn vow to myself a long time ago to never pee on another stick again and I waited for my period to come.

During those few days I fretted about the possibility, most of me knew I probably wasn’t pregnant, but a small very loud part of me fretted. There are many reasons I fretted, my new job, our desire to start a small business, worry that it would take energy and attention from my nephews and my dogs.. but the main reason I was worried about being pregnant is the simple fact that I no longer wanted to have a child. I used to want to have a child very badly but I couldn’t and so slowly and over time I taught my self to want new things.

It wasn’t easy but Jack and I spent a good part of the last year talking about all the good things that were open to us because we didn’t have kids. Every time we didn’t get enough sleep the night before or my one of my nephews had a colossal meltdown we would say to each other “Imagine if we had kids!” Quietly in my head I came to terms with the fact that I probably lacked the patience to be the kind of mom I wanted to be and I found other outlets for my desire to nurture. I found joy in the extra time I had to devote to my husband, the person in this world I love the most and I relished my ability to be a truly awesome aunt. I embraced the financial freedom that came without having children, I would have never been able to quit my old job if we had had children because the risk would have been to great. If I hadn’t quit my old job, I would have never found my new job, which I love, nor gotten the raise that came with it. I enjoyed my freedom to dream and the many different possibilities the future held. There was and is the occasional sadness but it became easier and easier to move past the sadness and focus again on the joy and excitement.

There was palpable relief in the room when I announced to Jack that I had finally gotten my period. I know that if I had been pregnant we would have adjusted and been happy but we did also start discussing the possibility of Jack getting a vasectomy, just to be sure.

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Emails

I couldn’t find emails on all my regular commentators so if you didn’t receive the password could you get me your email? You can email it to me at erinvns at yahoo dot com or post it in the comment section. I guess that makes it less convenient than I planned but oh well. 

Things have been pretty good lately..

I’ve been in my new job for 3 weeks now and so far so good. I love the schedule, no 430-430 shifts, and I am finding the work really interesting. I just got my first pay check which was great because we were finally starting to feel some effects from my 6 week unemployment. Overall I am cautiously optimistic about this situation and feel I could be pretty happy here.

With my new balanced schedule I have been going to the gym every morning. I have a new imperative because I feel that I have to practice what I preach and that going to the gym is part of my job. I think that’s been helping with the hot flashes and insomnia and evening out my hormones. Between that and sleeping better I have a lot more energy so physically things are going good too. I am a bit nervous about balancing everything when I start school back up in June but hopefully that will go smoothly as well.

The only down side is that Jack has been sick for the last 3 weeks first with the flu and then with a secondary sinus infection. It has sucked because he has been sleeping on the couch since then. Also the poor man has been training for a 100 mile bike ride in mid May but has been completely derailed.

I’ve decided to use password protected posts to talk about something exciting that has been in the works for awhile but I don’t want so share with the general public. I know it is a pain to email and ask for passwords so I am going to email it to my regular commentators so they don’t have to ask. If there are regular lurkers who would like to read a long I am happy to share as long as you have a blog or something that I can get to know you by.

PS  Willow has been pretty upset with me since I went back to work and is making sure I know it. She snuggles with my husband but stares at me the whole time to make sure I’m jealous. Its adorable.