Let’s talk about gnomes

I have an odd love of gnomes, it stems back to my 3rd grade teacher who convinced me a group of gnomes visited my classroom regularly. I spent my entire school year making goodies, houses and things for the gnomes who I suspected inhabited a tree outside the class room. She would make sure to alter my offering in a way that made it look as though the gnomes had used or taken bites out of what ever I left.

Fast forward to today, I love gnomes. So much I had a gnome themed wedding with toad stool cupcakes, and my first tattoo was of a gnome holding a flower. Its only natural then that my child will have a gnome/woodland themed nursery as well. Its perfect because its a unisex theme and represents to me all that is magical and innocent about childhood. I have been planning my nursery for about 19-20 months now and needless to say it has gotten quite elaborate.Planning my nursery is my default fantasy that gets me through the dark infertility times.

We will start with the fabric which is my inspiration for the rest of my nursery. The fabric is designed by Erin Rippy (I wonder if there is connection between the name Erin and the love of gnomes) and I got it on Spoon flower a custom fabric websites that prints the fabric to order. My lovely donor sister is also an awesome seamstress who made my wedding dress and is making the quilt and nursery set. I will post pics when it is done.


I think I dont want to overwhelm you with all my amazing ideas at once so I think I will space them out in different posts. So I will finish the post with a pic of the crib my dad is making. (I got the idea off of this web site http://www.backwoodshome.com/articles2/ainsworth69.html). I want it to look like the crib was built by woodland gnomes.

We’ve already started work on these nursery projects even though we haven’t gotten our BFP yet because we need to focus on some of the happy and fun aspects of this journey. We might be jinxing ourselves but we will deal with that possibility when we come to it.

Beasts of the Southern Wild

So not much happening on the IF front except my sister wants me to reschedule one of her appointments. Almost cried but managed to hold it together. I also had dinner with a friend I haven’t seen since college and of course the subject of children came up. Since we had been very good friends I told her about the infertility/IVF stuff. According to her her sister went through infertility but now has 2 kids so everything worked out in the end, and she’s sure it will work out for me. In the interest of making conversation I asked what kind of treatments her sister used, her reply was OPK’s. You can imagine the response I wanted to give but I held my tongue. We are waiting to speak to an insurance person about the break in in my husbands car. The best part of the week was seeing the movie Beasts of the Southern Wild.
The movie is about a 6 yo girl (the movie was also co wrote by a 6 yo girl) who lives on the bayou on a small island cut off from the mainland on the other side of a levee. Because of the levee her home is in constant danger of flooding. She lives with her father who is an alcoholic and is ill. Her mother is absent having one day gone for a swim never to return. The larger community is made up of fiercely independent, poorly educated, very self sufficient people, a good chunk of whom also seem to be alcoholics. Fairly early in the movie a massive storm rolls through and her her world is turned upside down.
The story is portrayed from the point of view of this little girl. It is sometimes disorganized, disorienting, and fantastical which the world of a 6 yo often is. It was raw and polished at the same time. The actress who played the little girl was so adorable she made my ovaries ache. I know that a major point of the movie was how resilient children are but I had an overwhelming maternal urge to scoop her up and protect her. To make her world safe.
I know there are children all over the world whose lives are precarious, whose parental protection is spotty at best, but there shouldn’t be. Children shouldn’t have to be that tough and independent. All children should be safe and protected and showered with love. That movie was wonderful but left me a little emotionally raw.


So obviously I’ve offended the powers in the universe. Not sure how. My husbands car was broken into and thieves made off with over a grand in tools. I hope some insurance kicks in here. Oh and they got my I pod


I finally got all my appointments scheduled, no one is going to be happy, every one has to miss work but its the best I can do.

My plans to see the fertility therapist went on hold when I found out the therapist I planned to see is the therapist who gets to evaluate me for my donor egg cycle so I don’t really feel comfortable chatting with her. I could see another professional that my insurance would cover but no one who specializes in infertility.

I bought a cool book called Steam Punk Softies with some bitching dolls Im going to make for my kid. My kid is going to have the coolest stuff. Image

Also check out my Beagles page to view pictures of my adorable doggies. I promise it will be worth your time.

It begins

First of all Id like to wish donor sister a happy 27th  birthday, you’re not getting any younger, could you fix that?

So I spoke to the donor coordinator today. ACK! I already have a shit load of homework. I need a DEgg consult for me and Viking Pillager (how do you like my new blog name for the hubs? He has a hot blond beard, okay?) and one for my sister and her hubs (she cant do it with out him for some reason which pisses me off from a feminist point of view, shes not his bleeping property and does NOT need his permission!!!) Plus a psych eval for all of us (including her hubs, WTF?!?!) which apparently involves some 2 hour test for me at least (so now some one gets to judge my fitness to be a parent now? F-you, the universe has already done that, ps I failed). Then she needs tests to see if she has the same family curse as I do. The best part of this is I get to try and schedule all of this around 4 working adults complicated schedules. Who’s jealous? Add to that that I was up all night thinking of how much simpler our lives would be(and how much less financially screwed we would be) if I changed my mind and decided not to go through with all this and we stopped the fertility crap all together. I cant seem to shake this feeling of ambivalence.

On a side note I really liked the coordinator. Apparently she also has a family history of DOR/POF and passed it along to her daughters. She gets what I am going through and is really nice. I finally feel personally connected to SOMEONE in my REs office and that’s important to me. It has all seemed rather impersonal up to this point. You think if you pay someone huge sums of money for elective services they would  1. bother to remember you or your name or your medical history and 2. make an effort to be flexible around the job that lets me pay for all the services they provide. Already they refused to be flexible around my sisters work schedule for her initial consult, I mean shes the DONOR, her participation is voluntary, could you try and not scare her off?

Sigh I hate fertility treatment

Got to get it into gear

So looking at my calendar I realize that it has been 6 weeks since I found out IVF #1 failed. Wow, the time has flown by. The first few weeks passed in a depressed haze but the rest have been busy trying to catch back up with real life. We have been busy and productive but I haven’t done anything to get the donor cycle started except talk to my sister, take her up on her offer and give her a bunch of supplements (Vit D, Folic acid and Co Q 10).  I haven’t even made contact with the donor coordinator and it seems like October is right around the corner. My goal this week is to call the donor coordinator and schedule my first appointment with the IF counselor. Also this is the week where I work extra and have to watch my nephews ACK! Its going to be busy. 

On a side note I haven’t ovulated since IVF. My first cycle I didn’t and I don’t think its going to happen this time around either (stuff is usually happening by now). I had a few anovulatory cycles while TTC but never 2 in a row. I wonder if my body is resting since these are the first unmedicated cycles I’ve had all year or if its a sign of things progressing. Its probably too early to tell anything, but of course why would I let that stop me from freaking out?


Picking at emotional scabs

It’s been 5 weeks since we found out for sure that our IVF failed. The first 2 weeks were hard. I cried and moped around and all the hormones were still wearing off. Since the I have felt better and better each day. I’m getting my life back under control, I exercise regularly, and my husband and I manage to have non infertility related conversations. I am feeling good most of the time, do good that I’ve often wondered in the back of my mind if we should scrap the whole baby making project and move on.
Yesterday I saw a counselor to get a referral to another counselor who specializes in infertility (the hoops we have to jump through for insurance). I am hoping she can help me cope better during our next cycle and teach me some mind body relaxation techniques. In order to get the insurance coverage I had to prove I was having a hard time and needed the referral. So we started talking about my whole infertility journey and I was totally taken aback by how close to the surface all the emotions were. I felt like some one had died again, I thought I was over that feeling. It’s still all so fresh but I must have been doing a good job repressing it all.
Long story short I have “Depression related to an acute grief process” which is enough to get the insurance to pay up and maybe I need more from the therapist than I originally thought. I know that deep down I want a child but it seems that I tend to repress that in order to make it through the day. I’m going to have to find a more healthy way to cope with the sadness.

Hitting the gym

So I’ve started going to the gym again after not going since January. I honestly couldn’t cope the first month after our IF diagnosis and clomid made me so tired and feel like crap. We had been doing good with diet and exercise for the 6 months before that hoping to increase our odds of getting pregnant and part of me felt it was all for nothing and that our healthy choices wouldn’t make any difference. I adopted a to “hell with that” attitude and gave up.

I’ve done that all my life. I have periods in my life when I am super hardcore into diet and exercise and others where I was just the opposite (think candy for dinner or dinner licorice as I liked to call it). My goal is to finally break that cycle if possible. I’m putting it out on the Internet so maybe I’ll be more accountable I am going to exercise 6 times a week for a minimum of 30 min no matter what. No matter how bad I feel, even if I just go to the gym and stand on the treadmill. I’m going to continue to try and eat healthier too but I’ve always been better with the exercise do I’m going to focus on that first. Wish me luck

That’s it I’m going to be a crappy mom

So my sister (the donating sister) recently became a working mom, and her baby sitter ditched out on her for a week with only a week and a half notice. Lucky for her my dad is off for the summer (school librarian) and can watch her 2.5 yo and 5 month old most of the time. But she asked me to watch her kids on my days off for 2 days, all day. I internally freaked out.
Don’t get me wrong I love my nephews but the idea of watching them for a whole day is scary. I’ve only watched them for a half day max and I’m always wiped after. My nephew is smart and interactive but since his little brother came a long and ruined his life he is extra clingy with his favorite auntie Pom Pom (dont be jealous of my awesome nickname). He used to be able to play on his own for hours but now every second he must be entertained by me. I’m not really interesting enough to entertain a small child for that long. And what happens when I fail him? Yep melt down. Plus now that she has another child, he has competition for my attention.
Also I am working an extra Saturday shift that week so I my “me” time is already going to be in short supply. The idea of spending my days off trying to keep my high maintenance nephew happy isn’t sounding too good to me right now.
This is why I worry I’ll make a craptastic mom. My sister, when she was a stay at home mom, spent hours and hours teaching, playing with, and in general nurturing my nephew. It shows too, that kid is smart (already beginning to read) and sensitive. She’s kind of like my mom hero but I clearly lack her dedication. The idea of giving up so much of my free time and putting in that much work (while working full time too) totally deflates me. Especially since I totally judge (terrible I know) my other sister who has 4 kids and spends all her time playing world of war craft and ignoring her kids (one of which has special needs) I worry in the end, I’ll wind up closer to her on the mom spectrum because I wont have what it takes.
Oh and also I feel totally guilty telling my sister who is donating eggs to me that I can only watch her kids one day. I didn’t tell her why though because I’m secretly and irrationally scared she will change her mind if she suspects my real reasons; I led her to believe I was busy…

Im not just infertile, I am….

A Volkswagen enthusiast. My husband got me into them when we started dating. He had a 70 bug and shortly after we got married we adopted our first child a 72 VW bay window camper bus named Heinrich. “Heinrich the Hippy Bus” as my nephews call him. He is a union of my love of camping and the outdoors and my husbands love of cars.
Today we took him to his first show. He’s a work in progress and is more utilitarian than fancy, but he has a few unique features. One day when he’s done I’m sure he’ll be the coolest bus in any show. The show was fun and we saw some great cars (see pictures below) It was fun to take my mind off of fertility stuff for the day. I did burst into tears when I saw a newborn onesie with a 60’s split window bus on it because it’s exactly the kind of thing our kid would wear. But I quickly recovered and enjoyed the rest of the day. We were even interviewed for the local news so our baby bus may be on TV.

This is a picture of a D cab that looked like Filmore from the movie Cars. See further down for a picture of out bus.