A new level

(This post is about my personal path to healing, everybody heals differently and at different paces. Different people want different things with their lives, no judgement is implied.  I hope me telling the story of my path to healing and happiness doesn’t offend anybody.)

I’ve reached a whole new level in getting over being infertile. This month we had a pregnancy scare. It all started with our coffee pot finally giving up. I decided that instead of replacing it with a regular coffee pot we needed a espresso maker/coffee pot combo. Jack was pretty excited about our new toy so we had espresso for breakfast and lunch that day just because he wanted to play with it. Now, I love coffee but it isn’t the best for my stomach sometimes, and my beloved husband forgot that little detail and put several shots of espresso in each drink. By the end of the day I was puking my guts out which I attributed it to the coffee but I was nauseated for a couple of days after too.

Then my period was late, almost a week late, which never happens to me and I mean never. Not even when I was on 2 mls of PIO daily. Even when I am having crazy hot flashes and menopause symptoms up the wazoo, my period is on time or early. When the thought occurred to me that I might be pregnant, my first emotions were not joy. I thought “Of course the universe would do this to me right after I started a new job” I refused to test because I made a solemn vow to myself a long time ago to never pee on another stick again and I waited for my period to come.

During those few days I fretted about the possibility, most of me knew I probably wasn’t pregnant, but a small very loud part of me fretted. There are many reasons I fretted, my new job, our desire to start a small business, worry that it would take energy and attention from my nephews and my dogs.. but the main reason I was worried about being pregnant is the simple fact that I no longer wanted to have a child. I used to want to have a child very badly but I couldn’t and so slowly and over time I taught my self to want new things.

It wasn’t easy but Jack and I spent a good part of the last year talking about all the good things that were open to us because we didn’t have kids. Every time we didn’t get enough sleep the night before or my one of my nephews had a colossal meltdown we would say to each other “Imagine if we had kids!” Quietly in my head I came to terms with the fact that I probably lacked the patience to be the kind of mom I wanted to be and I found other outlets for my desire to nurture. I found joy in the extra time I had to devote to my husband, the person in this world I love the most and I relished my ability to be a truly awesome aunt. I embraced the financial freedom that came without having children, I would have never been able to quit my old job if we had had children because the risk would have been to great. If I hadn’t quit my old job, I would have never found my new job, which I love, nor gotten the raise that came with it. I enjoyed my freedom to dream and the many different possibilities the future held. There was and is the occasional sadness but it became easier and easier to move past the sadness and focus again on the joy and excitement.

There was palpable relief in the room when I announced to Jack that I had finally gotten my period. I know that if I had been pregnant we would have adjusted and been happy but we did also start discussing the possibility of Jack getting a vasectomy, just to be sure.


5 thoughts on “A new level

  1. How crazy the universe is, and how we respond so differently at different times in our lives. I wanted to post on your new adventure too and I am so excited for you both! You have lots of fun ahead. I look forward to hearing about what you discover along the way.

  2. This actually gives me a lot of hope, that if/when we get to the point where we walk away from treatments, there is in fact a lot to be excited about on the other side. I’m beyond happy that things are working out so well for you.

  3. It’s definitely odd but true that when we get to that place, pregnancy isn’t as desirable any longer. I’m starting to think about all the ways that having kids would now cramp my style. It’s a weird mindset but it’s working 🙂 xoxo

  4. I had something very similar happen to me about 10 years ago… it was Christmastime & I was at my parents & dh & I ended up sneaking into a drugstore to buy a hpt. Made me realize that I’d adjusted more to the idea of childless/free living than I’d realized!

  5. It is weird to find yourself wanting your period to come, after so long wishing it wouldn’t. I kept an HPT in my bathroom cupboard, for months such as this. Both to know what was going on, and then also because I had ectopics, and for my own safety I needed to know as soon as possible if – by some crazy fluke – I did become pregnant. Realising that all I felt was relief when it was negative was the mark that I had moved on. (Though also, that I was getting old!)

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