Thanks for the heart attack

So my $%#*+^ clinic sent me a bill asking for an additional 3600 dollars (we’ve already paid them over 18000, 5000 more than they originally told us) and I lost it. We were told that freezing the embryos would only be 1000. Needless to say I flipped out, a lot. It was ugly. Today I called freaking out on them and their cheerful response? “sorry that was a mistake, you pre paid that, disregard” This is the second I think brennon set it to B064hirst but i’m at work right now so no netflix k?fucking time they have done this. I am so close to firing them for good but I need my doc because he knows my cervix. Thanks for the heart attack assholes!

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Look what I did!

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I put in this snazzy new dog proof floor all by myself! No help from my handy husband. Sure I almost cut my thumb off but it’s all mine! Jack did do the trim but it’s not as nice as the floor. Its a vinyl floating floor that fits together with sticky strips much like click lock laminate. It was very easy.

Other exciting things I did this week

Made an orange cardamom pistachio cheesecake

Bought a new mattress set, a tempurpedic! It was pricy but insanely comfortable. Cost as much as a FET but it really has improved our sleep.

Had a nice quite thanksgiving and only drunkenly cried once.

Bought more vinyl/wood flooring at black Friday for 99c a yard

Got our Christmas tree

Okay it seemed when I started this post it would be a little longer but that was my week in a nutshell. Gotta go get those Christmas decorations up

4 weeks

Yup it’s been 4 weeks since we found out our first donor transferred failed. I’m more emotionally even now that the hormones have worn off, and it’s far easier to handle stress. I am glad of this because if I had been cycling this last week, I probably would have eaten a box of dryer sheets to cope with the stress too.

Willow is recovering but she is still reluctant to move. Last night snowed on pain meds she peed on our bed, a lot. Since neither my husband nor I are bed wetters our mattress lacked the appropriate protection and now we have to get a new one. Damn life is getting expensive.

We also have decided to cancel our camping trip next weekend. Willow is on activity restriction so she can’t hike and we can’t leave her alone. Plus we can’t really justify the expense right now. It’s a shame because I was really looking forward to it. Oh well, such is life. I’m still looking forward to thanksgiving. I’m making cheesecake.

Nervous breakdown… Not me, the dog (updated)

Yes it’s true, someone in my house finally had a nervous breakdown. Not me (surprisingly), not my long suffering husband, it’s my poor sweet neurotic dog Willow.

A little background on Willow: We rescued Willow from a puppy mill in May, right in the middle of my first IVF cycle. Blame it on hormones but when we got the call about a 5 y.o. beagle who was going to be put to sleep by the puppy mill if they couldn’t find a home for her, I said yes right away. When we picked her up she was so terrified of humans that she sat in her crate for 2 days shaking. Thankfully soon after that she began to warm up to us (especially her mommy and our other beagle). She was the best distraction in the world during the IVF and the best, snugly consolation prize when we got our BFN. This last cycle she was my faithful bed rest buddy and never left my side.

However Willow has a few flaws. She is fearful of strangers and prone to anxiety. Since she spent her first 5 years in a cage making babies she was very difficult to potty train. She was making some progress but still having frequent accidents in the basement (or her den). We decided to rip up the carpet and throw away the couch down there and replace the floor with dog proof flooring. On Saturday we ripped everything out and by Sunday it was apparent she was no longer having accidents in the house.

Sunday night she woke us freaking out and compulsively licking things (the floor, the bed, the sheets, etc). We had a hard time calming her down and she woke us up several times. Monday night was the same but worse. Tuesday I was home so the dogs didn’t go to daycare and I left them home for 2 hours while I went to the store. I came home to piles of vomited up objects (a dryer sheet, frog tape she pulled off the door frame). I took her to the vet and he gave her something for anxiety.

Last night she puked up green fuzz and I noticed a hole in her dog bed. The filling was green. This morning she puked up her dinner undigested. An x ray showed her belly way distended and full of a fuzzy substance (the stuff was packed in there for it to show up on x ray) and a carpet staple (must have been a stray from saturday). So my baby has to have surgery to remove it all to keep it from clogging her intestines. I feel terrible, it’s all my fault for upsetting her and I feel worse for not seeing the hole in the dog bed. Poor baby.

Life goes on

It’s been a busy week. We started our basement gut job and it’s moving along nicely. We are hoping the living room/basement overhaul will be done before Christmas. It’s taken us a year and a half on this project. It’s been a total gut job, we stripped down to the studs, but I still think it would have gone faster with out adding fertility treatments to the mix. After this the next project is the bathroom but we will be taking a home improvement break. And likely extending our baby making break. It will be nice to have nothing on our plates for awhile.

In the same spirit I have decided to pass on the promotion at work. My boss has been pressuring me but in the end her time table is unrealistic. She wanted to leave her post by Jan 31st. It just isn’t enough time to learn all the state regulations, the complex water system, and all the managing responsibilities to the point where I can be left alone to handle it all. Also add the fact that I work at the largest dialysis center in the system and possibly the state. I would probably have said yes if I could have started at a smaller facility. I have been feeling on the verge of a nervous breakdown for the better part of a year and that just might push me over. I want to focus on my mental break, bringing fun back into my life and marriage and actually have a garden again next year.

I know my mom is disappointed that I didn’t accept but I’m just not ready. I’m only 31 which is very young for a nurse manager in the health care system I work in so I don’t think this will be my only opportunity. Also my boss is now reconsidering leaving. I hope she stays, shes been great.

We decided to go on a camping trip over Thanksgiving weekend to Goblin Valley State Park. We have never been there and unlike the many national parks here, we can actually take the dogs. We used to do this kind of thing a lot but not so much this last year, hurrah for adventure!

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Blog award

So I was lucky enough to be nominated by 3 different bloggers for the leibster award. I know that I am a little slow on the response but I was trying to figure out how to add links to blogs. Thanks to Allo Allo (thequestionnowbecomes.blogspot.com) , Lexi (ourbabymakinjourney.blogspot.com) and Kaybee (http://thingscouldntbebetter.blogspot.com) for the nomination. Im sure me answering all 26 questions would lead to information overload and boredom so I will do a few from each. Everyone who I follow has been nominated several times but I heart you all.

3.  What are you most Thankful for this year?-That I have a safe secure life, many people live in situations where they have no personal safety; they may not have enough to eat or adequate shelter and their lives are constantly impacted/endangered by violence. Most people in the world don’t get to live how I do and I am lucky.

5. Sometimes people say they would not wish infertility on their worst enemy… I’m not sure I fall into that category because I am a jerk… What is your stance on that?  I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy; but I probably wouldn’t spend a lot of time being sad for them either. 

8.  Besides fertility treatments, what would you do if you won the lotto… bigtime? Buy a huge piece of property in Oregon and start a hippie commune/doomsday compound.

9.  If I were to tell you to just relax you will get pregnant what horrible things are you doing to me in your mind?– When someone does anything like that (or drives like an ass) I imagine I have the power to make them spontaneously shit their pants. With the worst explosive diarrhea ever. Man I wish that was my super power.   

10.  Wine or Beer? I really like wine but if I had to choose I would have to go with beer. My husband makes his own and is obsessed with it and by association, so am I. Plus, Kaybee, if you get/make the right kind it packs quite the punch too. 

11.  If money were of no big thang, where would you move?see question 8

1. If you could live in any past decade, which one would you live in and why?- I dont have a decade in mind but if i could go back in time I’d really like to travel with Lewis and Clark and the Corps of Discovery in 1804. Best cross country hiking trip ever. 
2. Please share a favourite recipe/food blog etc. I have a habit of changing every recipe I encounter but my recipe for Spanakopita is loosely based off one I got from epicurious.com.
3 lbs frozen spinach thawed and moisture squeezed out.
4 eggs
1-2 onions sauteed in pepper garlic and olive oil
2-4 cups of Feta cheese (to taste)
Mint and Dill to taste
Combine all ingredients, top with filo dough and brush with olive oil. Bake at 350 until top is browned and crispy.
3. What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve had to do since TTC?  I would say the most ridiculous thing I have done for a baby is all the money we have spent. I have never spent that much money and had nothing to show for it.
4. What is one difference (if any) having a blog has made in your life? Meeting people who get it.
1. What is your favorite season and why? Fall. Best weather, pumpkins, harvest, back to school, halloween/thanksgiving, changing leaves. the way the air smells, baking, etc
3. If you could vacation anywhere in the world, where would you go and why? Mongolia, nothing right now seems more exotic/exciting than Mongolia. Plus its the home of Genghis Khan. 
5. Do you have any regrets in life? No I don’t believe in regrets. Every decision I have made was the best decision I could have made with the information I had at the time. Hindsight is always 20/20.
7. What is your best trait? Im a loving person
8. What is your worst trait? I am disorganized
9. What is your best childhood memory? All the time I spent playing with my younger sisters. We had some good times. 
10. Who are 3 people you would love to have dinner with (living or dead)? Thomas Jefferson; Louie Pasture, and Nelson Mandela.  

Missed opportunity

So on Wednesday my boss approached me and asked what I thought about taking over her role as unit manager. I have been a nurse for almost 10 years and I have a B.S. which makes me the most qualified of her current employees to take over the role of manager. By doing so I would almost double my salary. With things so up in the air with the procreation situation I told her I wouldn’t be able to commit to that kind of time right now.

Then yesterday I looked at my bank account and saw how run down it looks. Between fertility treatments (last cycle cost almost 20000), home improvements from a project that was started wayyy before all this started, and adding the fact that we have been eating out a ton (too tired to cook) we are finding ourselves in a much shakier position then this time last year. Plus we took on a loan. I had been avoiding looking at that stuff but now that it’s staring me in the face I’m stressed.

If we didn’t have 9 frozen embryos the choice would be clear. But I don’t feel like I can make any major decisions right now. Also she keeps bringing it up today and I’m starting to feel pressured. I almost just want to say yes and put the baby thing on the back burner for a couple of years. I might not get an opportunity like this again and it could mean a lot for my career. Aaahh if only I knew what the right decision was.

My ghost story

When I was a brand new nurse (many, many years ago) I worked on the pediatric cancer/bone marrow transplant unit. An unfortunate part of my job was taking care of and getting attached to children that eventually died. I met R when she was 4. She was a firecracker red head who would yell at you in spanish when she didnt like what you were doing.

She had been diagnosed with leukemia and I took care of her often during her struggle. I was impressed with how sweet and mature she was but also how she stood up for herself. R was wise beyond her years and very verbally gifted. Unfortunately as we all know, life isn’t fair and R didn’t live to see her 6th birthday. She passed away peacefully in a room on our unit.

Several months later the stories started. The stories were all basically the same and told by 3 separate families staying in the room R had passed away in. Stories of a little red head girl named R (not a very common name) who visited the child in their dream. She introduced herself and told the children not to worry, that it would all be okay. She comforted them in the dream. She appeared to be about the age of five and visited each child in that room during times of very serious illness.

Before I heard these stories I refused to believe in ghosts, but these stories occurred months apart and were told by 3 different families who didn’t know R and didn’t know each other. The stories were so similar and fit R to a tee. If anyone would come back to offer comfort to a fellow sick child it would be her. I’m still not sure what my beliefs about an after life are but this experience is hard to discount.