The opening of Pandora’s Box

We decided that since its been 3 years since our last cycle and we are more sure than ever that we are happily child free, that now was a good time to start the process of embryo donation. It was always the plan but we have really been enjoying our freedom from the infertility world. I certainly did not anticipate all that starting this process would entail, all the feelings that I thought were long gone, suddenly rushing back. The decision to start this was the easy part, we now have to begin the long slog of seeing it through to the end. The choosing a donor (because we don’t have the option to donate anonymously through our clinic), returning to our clinic (the sight of much grief and pain) and telling our families that we are forever walking away from any chance at having children. Also knowing our clinic they will make this process more of a hassle than it needs to be and more painful and expensive than it has any right to be. But after it is finally done we will really truly be free to move on, with out this one last issue hanging over our heads…

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Riding off into the sunset

I don’t think its a secret I’ve been drifting away from this space. I guess the truth is that I no longer view myself as infertile. I view myself as voluntary child free. I walked away from 9 donor frozen embryos so I do feel that I chose my current fate.  I just don’t feel the draw to this space like I used to. My plate is full with school, nephews, dogs, work, husband, renovations, travel etc.I have moved on and I often feel like this space still anchors me to the “infertile world”. I did want to provide a ray of hope to those in the trenches that there is happiness in resolving child free but since I have emotionally moved on I just feel less drawn here. I’d like to think there are people out there who find my hum drum life interesting outside the context of infertility but I know that is the glue that holds my readers and I together. I want to say thanks to all my blog buddies.. you got me through some rough times. I will always appreciate the sense of community I found here. I will never forget you, despite the fact that we never met in person. I will still check in with those of you who still blog because I deeply care about all of you. Those that have resolved with parenting, I am sooooo happy for you. You deserve it. Those few of us with out kiddos, well, we are awesome. The world needs us…. We make the world go round… seriously. I have recently read the “Call the Midwife” books and I noticed that the nuns aka “child free” were the major players in decreasing the maternal and infant death rate in the East End of  London. Never forget how much we matter.  I love you all and I am truly happy and fulfilled. I wish the same for all, parent and non parent. Bless you all. 

Riding off into the sunset

I don’t think its a secret I’ve been drifting away from this space. I guess the truth is that I no longer view myself as infertile. I view myself as voluntary child free. I walked away from 9 donor frozen embryos so I do feel that I chose my current fate.  I just don’t feel the draw to this space like I used to. My plate is full with school, nephews, dogs, work, husband, renovations, travel etc.I have moved on and I often feel like this space still anchors me to the “infertile world”. I did want to provide a ray of hope to those in the trenches that there is happiness in resolving child free but since I have emotionally moved on I just feel less drawn here. I’d like to think there are people out there who find my hum drum life interesting outside the context of infertility but I know that is the glue that holds my readers and I together. I want to say thanks to all my blog buddies.. you got me through some rough times. I will always appreciate the sense of community I found here. I will never forget you, despite the fact that we never met in person. I will still check in with those of you who still blog because I deeply care about all of you. Those that have resolved with parenting, I am sooooo happy for you. You deserve it. Those few of us with out kiddos, well, we are awesome. The world needs us…. We make the world go round… seriously. I have recently read the “Call the Midwife” books and I noticed that the nuns aka “child free” were the major players in decreasing the maternal and infant death rate in the East End of  London. Never forget how much we matter.  I love you all and I am truly happy and fulfilled. I wish the same for all, parent and non parent. Bless you all. 

The future is hard to see

One big thing that I notice about myself that has changed since our infertility journey is that I now live much more in the present. This has intensified since the upheaval in the early part of the year.  I used to be that girl, the girl that had a 5 year plan and complete confidence that with enough hard work I could make that plan come true. I spent a good deal of my mental energy planning, scheming and dreaming about the future which would always be better than the present. I’ve noticed a huge change over the last year, I am much less certain about how the future will work out, I no longer believe that future events are a direct result of planning and hard work. Consequently I spend much less time planning, and thinking about the future. Sure I have things I’d like to see happen but I’m no longer convinced they will come to pass. I can’t really see further than a few months ahead. Right now I think I will likely graduate with my masters degree, hopefully in December if  everything works out. There are some vague plans for a kitchen/bathroom remodel in 2015 and hopefully some kind vacation but who really knows?Right now I am living firmly in the present and enjoying the now. Its kind of a weird aimless place to be…

I briefly had 5 beagles..

We found 3 loose beagles in our neighborhood this evening. They didn’t have collars so we lured them into the house with treats. For 30 glorious minutes our house was bursting with wiggly sniffy beagle energy. My dogs thought they had died and gone to heaven. As we were leashing and harnessing them up to take to the vet to have their chips read, the owner knocked on the door, apparently directed by another bystander. We happily returned the mans delightful dogs (2 females and a male) and were gratified by how happy he was to have them back. But now I’m wistful, missing our new friends. I am filled with a sudden urge to hoard beagles. I wonder if he will bring them over for play dates…

So much going on…

and not enough time to write about it all in detail…

Work is great, I’m loving my new job. There are challenges to be sure but nothing I can’t handle.

Jack got a new job with a school district so finally he will be getting better benefits, PTO and more regular hours.

My 8 and 10 y.o. nephews are in town visiting from California and staying with us on the weekends. This has definitely been a roller coaster (more on this later).

In addition frying my computer I came home last Thursday and found out my fridge had pooped out, we went without a fridge for a week. But I now have a new shiny fridge 🙂 

School is kicking my butt

It seems like there was more but I can’t remember….

 

Jack and the Boys

My nephews are in town and I love to watch how awesome my husband is with them. He is so patient and kind and a huge favorite with them. He spent 30 min with one of my nephews today teaching him how electrical circuits worked, it made me a little weak in the knees. There was a time when watching this would have filled me with sadness about how he would have made an amazing father and that I took that away from him with my infertility but these days I honestly can say I’m quite pleased with how things ended up. I may not have given him children but I gave him nephews (his only niece is 26) and because he doesn’t have children it frees up his energy to pour into being a great uncle. He’s happy and the boys are happy… and that makes me happy.