There aren’t any skeletons in my closet..just baby stuff

So today I entered that room for the first time in almost a year. We needed a place to store the countertops we bought today since we’ve begun gathering materials for the kitchen remodel. That room was the only place we could put them but that room had become storage for anything and everything baby related from nursery decorations to stuff we were saving to pass on to our future children (with a dash of extra needles and fertility supplements included). We had to move some boxes to make room and while looking at the stuff in the boxes I was overwhelmed with grief. The stuff in the boxes felt like it had belonged to someone who had died rather than someone who had never existed. Just being in the room, looking at the room and remembering how I used to look at the room (planning where to put a crib, etc) was hard.  When the work was finished we talked briefly about our feelings associated with being in that room and, instead of crawling into bed and spending a week there feeling sorry for myself, I went to the gym. And that, my friends, is progress. And I am thankful for it.

P.S. I told Jack we should pay my sister 50 bucks to clean the room out and throw that stuff away, while we went away for the weekend, but he insisted we do it ourselves and deal with our demons. I think my way sounded more fun 😦


Both my husband and I agree that we ought to have kick ass careers to fill the void left by not parenting. But we have no idea how to arrive at that point. The problem is neither of us particularly like our current careers. My husband just fell into his (commercial audio visual and building integration) and spent his youth as a work-aholic. As a result he got many promotions and progressed to mid level in his career. Then he met me and his career progress stalled. Making it any further would require him traveling all the time and he isn’t willing to do that anymore because he wants to see me sometimes. Also the upper management at his current employer can’t make up their minds about what they want from his department-to grow or not to grow.

I sort of fell into my career too, I wasn’t my first choice career but I chose it for purely pragmatic reasons. It paid decent money, jobs were readily available and stable, and I liked working with people. I went in to the job with the work to live mentality not that nursing would be my life. The problem is that nursing takes over your life and its almost impossible to not take your work home with you. Its a really demanding field and it is plagued by the motto of of all jobs in the 21st century “Do more with less”. All jobs say that I know, but in my job the stakes are higher (human life) and its really stressful to not be given the resources you need to do your job.

Needless to say neither of our current employment situations are long term career options. I am currently exploring the Nurse Educator option by getting my masters degree but I am not sure this is really the answer for me. Its kind of my last ditch effort to stay in the nursing profession. Jack has ideas of careers he’d like to get into but they all involve starting at the bottom again and taking huge pay cuts. We can’t really afford this right now since we have his student loan to pay off (its a big one too) and our IVF 401 K loan to pay back (or face the wrath of the IRS). Not to mention the complete draining of our savings thanks to IVF and all the money we dumped into our second house just to sell it.

It seems like our only options right now are to just suck it up and keep going in our lackluster jobs for the next few years until we can financially recover but I don’t want to. Life is short people! I don’t want to start a new awesome career too late and I honestly feel like if I can’t have kids I ought to have some kind of fulfillment in life. I know there are no guarantees or entitlements in life but I really don’t think it too much to ask from the universe.

House Update

On friday our house sale was finalized. I honestly thought I’d be more excited but I think I’m not quite over the money we lost. I do feel like a weight has been lifted though and we are 127000 dollars less in debt. Now if only I could do something about my husbands student loan…

Right now I feel adrift. All summer I was waiting… Waiting to sell the house and waiting for things to calm down at our jobs. Now both have happened and I can’t help thinking “What next?”