One year ago

One year ago I had my last negative beta, from my donor cycle. At the time I didn’t know that we would end up walking away from fertility treatments and I would end up on the childfree path. In the months that followed we struggled to find the mental, physical and emotional reserves to jump back on the treatment wagon but it never happened and we began to entertain the thought of moving on from fertility treatment. In April we made it official and I resumed birth control so I could regulate my hormones (I hadn’t had any spontaneous pregnancy hopes for a long time). I realized that I still wanted children but was now unwilling to do what I needed to do to get them.

When we stepped away from fertility treatments I found that the rest of my life was horribly out of balance, I had neglected my career, my finances, my relationships (especially with my mother and nephews), my marriage and sex life, my house and my hobbies. I was now a one dimensional person who only cared about/talked about/read about infertility. I even stopped seeing my friends because infertility was all I could talk about and I assumed they were getting tired of it. With the help of my husband I began to try and rebuild my life but I often found myself feeling adrift and directionless. It was almost as if the person I was prior to my infertility had disappeared. The problem was worsened by the bout of depression I suffered after making our decision official in April.

It hasn’t been easy crawling out of the hole I managed to dig myself during treatment but I am doing it and making progress every day. Even when I have wondered what the point of it all was, I forced myself to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.  The last few months especially things have been getting easier and I have felt the old me waking up. Most days I really appreciate my life just the way it is. If you had asked me what childfree life was like a year ago I would have told you it was full of sadness and longing, that you would never be able to be truly happy and that you would just be going through the motions until you died. THANK GOD I was wrong. Now that the grieving is winding down I am full of excitement for the future. I cant wait to see what the next year brings.

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7 thoughts on “One year ago

  1. I am so happy to read that you are now happy and that grieving process is winding down! It is such a relief to hear that. Hardwork and time has paid off! I have a ways to go yet, but you do give me hope.

  2. I’m so happy to read this! I have tried to remain upbeat, mostly as of late because it took me longer than a year to get to that point. But at least we got there, imperfectly, but still there. ((( hugs))) and more happiness to you!

  3. I think it takes a special kind of strength to know when enough is enough. I’m so glad you’ve reconnected with the old you and are finding joy. 🙂

  4. So hard to believe that it’s been a year since our cycles. Wishing so much that things had turned out differently for you but so glad to hear that you are rebuilding your life and looking forward to the future. Sending lots of love from BC!

  5. Even though your story and mine are different, I still understand what you are saying about losing the old you. It’s a strange day when you wake up and wonder where you’ve been…
    You two have been through such an extreme roller coaster. You are probably closer and stronger now than ever. I look forward to hearing your exciting stories. Your plan to live self-sufficiently is something I envy/admire/dream of. I don’t comment very often, but I’m always reading. Hugs!

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