One year ago I had my last negative beta, from my donor cycle. At the time I didn’t know that we would end up walking away from fertility treatments and I would end up on the childfree path. In the months that followed we struggled to find the mental, physical and emotional reserves to jump back on the treatment wagon but it never happened and we began to entertain the thought of moving on from fertility treatment. In April we made it official and I resumed birth control so I could regulate my hormones (I hadn’t had any spontaneous pregnancy hopes for a long time). I realized that I still wanted children but was now unwilling to do what I needed to do to get them.
When we stepped away from fertility treatments I found that the rest of my life was horribly out of balance, I had neglected my career, my finances, my relationships (especially with my mother and nephews), my marriage and sex life, my house and my hobbies. I was now a one dimensional person who only cared about/talked about/read about infertility. I even stopped seeing my friends because infertility was all I could talk about and I assumed they were getting tired of it. With the help of my husband I began to try and rebuild my life but I often found myself feeling adrift and directionless. It was almost as if the person I was prior to my infertility had disappeared. The problem was worsened by the bout of depression I suffered after making our decision official in April.
It hasn’t been easy crawling out of the hole I managed to dig myself during treatment but I am doing it and making progress every day. Even when I have wondered what the point of it all was, I forced myself to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. The last few months especially things have been getting easier and I have felt the old me waking up. Most days I really appreciate my life just the way it is. If you had asked me what childfree life was like a year ago I would have told you it was full of sadness and longing, that you would never be able to be truly happy and that you would just be going through the motions until you died. THANK GOD I was wrong. Now that the grieving is winding down I am full of excitement for the future. I cant wait to see what the next year brings.