The Embryo Dilemma


Time has snuck up on me… next month marks one year since our donor egg cycle. I can’t believe its been that long., honestly it seems like yesterday.  That means that next month we will also have to pay our yearly storage fee so if we are planning on doing anything with our embryos now is the time. Originally we weren’t going to do anything with them but about a week ago our fertility clinic finally committed an unforgivable offence and I now have to move them because I don’t want them to have any more of my business.. ever.

In April they sent my sister a bill, that’s right they sent my DONOR a bill. For 2800 bucks. WTF. This is enough for its own post but needless to say I wasn’t happy for her to receive a bill 8 months after the fact for miscellaneous and unspecified charges. We disputed and by magic her bill shrank to 500 bucks but I still refused to pay until they sent me an itemized statement. They said they would send one and we waited… and waited.. and waited. Well last week she got a notice her balance was sent to collections. With no bill ever sent, no charges ever justified they trashed her credit (after doing a huge favor for me). We are still working on resolving this but now I have to remove my embryos.

We had found a clinic in the area we were interested in because they have a program that donated your embryos anonymously to a couple only charging them for the transfer, no additional fee for the recipient (plus my current clinic has no donor program at all). Jack and I liked this because I am tired of people making money off of me and it’s a financial break for another infertile couple. When we were thinking about this, it was a few years down the road because we wanted a break from fertility clinics and just in case we changed our minds. We were hoping if we were just planning on donating the new clinic would transport them for free. However we can’t just wait anymore so in order to transfer our embryos we have to meet with a doctor at the new clinic and make arrangements. This means dealing with more infertility bullshit and money. Can I just say that I am so over fertility clinics and so over wasting my money on infertility stuff.

To avoid this hassle I have considered just donating them now, to be done with everything and to avoid spending more money. I love the idea of closing this chapter of my life for good and not looking back, or at least a large part of me does. The other part wants to hang on to them because she’s pretty sure she wants to use them someday. Its so irritating to feel so sure of one thing one day and to feel completely opposite the next. To be fair I spend most of my time wishing to move on. I only have second thoughts some of the time and they rarely last more than a few hours. However, when I think about donating them now she claws to the surface and makes it known that she isn’t ready to give them up.

To add to the complications Jack and I have also been re-considering other embryo donation options as well. We aren’t sure if we want an anonymous or known donation anymore. Before I was pretty set on anonymous because I thought the idea of KNOWING those embryos were growing in someone elses uterus would be unbearable.  I have recently become less keen on the idea of having no say in who adopts my embryos, however, and you can’t have it both ways.  So the dilemma is this, Am I ready to donate them now? Do I chose anonymous or known donation? Why do I have to deal with this now, can’t I just have a freaking break from such heavy shit?


4 thoughts on “The Embryo Dilemma

  1. Sadly, we are infertility soul mates at the moment. However, I am more selfish than you. I can’t donate them because I hate the idea that they would grow in someone else’s body. I am tired of knowing they exist and I temporarily decided to just transfer the remainder. It’s assured destruction, but without me ordering a scientist to let them die. But now I’m switching jobs and can’t really handle with that scenario. So…I’m left with them and all the pain associated with them. Lucky for me, I already pay a shrink to help me deal with this mess.

  2. I’m with you as well with the total confusion of thoughts and decisions that need to be made. Our situation is different but the torment is the same. Ready to move on and not ready to move on – all in the same breath. Aaaaahhhhhh…..

  3. I often think about how many people out there don’t even have to consider these types of decisions. Infertility is crap no matter how you look at it, and it is not fair, at all. I feel like all the decisions are choices between bad and worse things. Good luck xoxo

  4. Sorry I’m just getting to this now… honestly, with the amount of money we invest in these clinics, it’s astonishing how poorly they treat their clients. And I always wondered, if they’re so disorganized with basic billing paperwork, might they also be disorganized when it comes to the sperm samples and the embryo care and all that? Scary to think. Anyway, hearing your thoughts on this, I would probably vote in favour of moving them to another clinic and just waiting a few more years before donating (if that is what you decide to do). Better that you have them in the back of your mind while trying to move forward than to feel even a trace of regret at some point down the road… but it’s ultimately your call, and only you know how to make that choice. This shit ain’t easy, that’s for sure.

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