(THIS POST IS EMOTIONAL WORD VOMIT, EXCUSE THE LACK OF EDITING)
Time has snuck up on me… next month marks one year since our donor egg cycle. I can’t believe its been that long., honestly it seems like yesterday. That means that next month we will also have to pay our yearly storage fee so if we are planning on doing anything with our embryos now is the time. Originally we weren’t going to do anything with them but about a week ago our fertility clinic finally committed an unforgivable offence and I now have to move them because I don’t want them to have any more of my business.. ever.
In April they sent my sister a bill, that’s right they sent my DONOR a bill. For 2800 bucks. WTF. This is enough for its own post but needless to say I wasn’t happy for her to receive a bill 8 months after the fact for miscellaneous and unspecified charges. We disputed and by magic her bill shrank to 500 bucks but I still refused to pay until they sent me an itemized statement. They said they would send one and we waited… and waited.. and waited. Well last week she got a notice her balance was sent to collections. With no bill ever sent, no charges ever justified they trashed her credit (after doing a huge favor for me). We are still working on resolving this but now I have to remove my embryos.
We had found a clinic in the area we were interested in because they have a program that donated your embryos anonymously to a couple only charging them for the transfer, no additional fee for the recipient (plus my current clinic has no donor program at all). Jack and I liked this because I am tired of people making money off of me and it’s a financial break for another infertile couple. When we were thinking about this, it was a few years down the road because we wanted a break from fertility clinics and just in case we changed our minds. We were hoping if we were just planning on donating the new clinic would transport them for free. However we can’t just wait anymore so in order to transfer our embryos we have to meet with a doctor at the new clinic and make arrangements. This means dealing with more infertility bullshit and money. Can I just say that I am so over fertility clinics and so over wasting my money on infertility stuff.
To avoid this hassle I have considered just donating them now, to be done with everything and to avoid spending more money. I love the idea of closing this chapter of my life for good and not looking back, or at least a large part of me does. The other part wants to hang on to them because she’s pretty sure she wants to use them someday. Its so irritating to feel so sure of one thing one day and to feel completely opposite the next. To be fair I spend most of my time wishing to move on. I only have second thoughts some of the time and they rarely last more than a few hours. However, when I think about donating them now she claws to the surface and makes it known that she isn’t ready to give them up.
To add to the complications Jack and I have also been re-considering other embryo donation options as well. We aren’t sure if we want an anonymous or known donation anymore. Before I was pretty set on anonymous because I thought the idea of KNOWING those embryos were growing in someone elses uterus would be unbearable. I have recently become less keen on the idea of having no say in who adopts my embryos, however, and you can’t have it both ways. So the dilemma is this, Am I ready to donate them now? Do I chose anonymous or known donation? Why do I have to deal with this now, can’t I just have a freaking break from such heavy shit?