You might ask, what do those 2 things have in common? They are the 2 things I’m most afraid of in this world. I think my fear of spiders is obvious (nasty unnatural creatures straight from hell) and pee sticks? Well let’s just say they haven’t been kind to me.
When I was a fresh faced TTCer I tested early often. Some cycles (as in the cycles I actually ovulated) I would get wicked progesterone symptoms that mimicked pregnancy and I would think “this is it, Im pregnant” and I would pee on a stick. And it would be negative, every time. Then the next day all my symptoms would go away. For awhile I thought it meant the symptoms were all in my head but I later realized my symptoms faded naturally a day or so before my period. It also made me feel on some level that the negative pee sticks caused me to not be pregnant. That the act of peeing on a stick made the symptoms (and therefore my pregnancy) disappear. Yea I know it sounds nuts. And each negative stick made it harder and harder to pee on the next one.
I am terrified of tomorrow. The day I designated to pee on a stick. The day before my beta. The hubs and I wanted to be able to spend the day together and process the results together. We can find out on our own terms, not on someone else’s and then return to work Monday when the information won’t be so raw.
Sounds like a good plan, right? Well here’s the catch. I don’t want to test anymore. I’m too chicken, too much rides on the results. I actually still feel pregnant. I don’t want to pee on a stick and jinx myself into a negative result. I think the only way I managed to test last IVF cycle was because my symptoms were gone and I had started to spot.
Hopefully tomorrow I wont chicken out and I’ll be able to post my first ever positive pee stick. Fingers crossed.