Picking at emotional scabs

It’s been 5 weeks since we found out for sure that our IVF failed. The first 2 weeks were hard. I cried and moped around and all the hormones were still wearing off. Since the I have felt better and better each day. I’m getting my life back under control, I exercise regularly, and my husband and I manage to have non infertility related conversations. I am feeling good most of the time, do good that I’ve often wondered in the back of my mind if we should scrap the whole baby making project and move on.
Yesterday I saw a counselor to get a referral to another counselor who specializes in infertility (the hoops we have to jump through for insurance). I am hoping she can help me cope better during our next cycle and teach me some mind body relaxation techniques. In order to get the insurance coverage I had to prove I was having a hard time and needed the referral. So we started talking about my whole infertility journey and I was totally taken aback by how close to the surface all the emotions were. I felt like some one had died again, I thought I was over that feeling. It’s still all so fresh but I must have been doing a good job repressing it all.
Long story short I have “Depression related to an acute grief process” which is enough to get the insurance to pay up and maybe I need more from the therapist than I originally thought. I know that deep down I want a child but it seems that I tend to repress that in order to make it through the day. I’m going to have to find a more healthy way to cope with the sadness.


7 thoughts on “Picking at emotional scabs

  1. Oh lawdy I’m with you… I repress, repress, repress. I’m pretty good at burying stuff under jokes and shenanigans but gimme some stupid trigger and I’m right back in baby-hell again.

    Yay for counselors and boooo to insurance asswipes.

    • I use humor-repression with my friends and family so I totally get it. I just want them to think I’m plucky, and coping well. I really want them to think I’m coping well.

  2. I too repress! I’m right there with you! I need a counselor B-A-D! I think your comment about the “death” really resonated with me. I feel that too, it’s the death of an idea of a biological child. I need counseling ASAP! Like seriously! This week off had been good, I’m just your good old fashion numb inside! 🙂

  3. Hi! I’m now following you via email after finding a supportive comment from you on my blog (http://wadfad.blogspot.com/). I hope I can offer some support to you along your journey as well.

    I can totally relate to the instinct to suppress how hard going through IF really is. I do that too. In fact, I’m having a hard time finding a balance between expressing my emotions when I feel crappy about this whole struggle, and taking it all in stride and trusting in God’s plan for me and my hubby. I am interested to hear how it goes with the IF therapist as I’m considering that route as well.

    • I will keep you posted. I am terrified and excited at the same time. Besides if I talk to her I can keep up appearances better with everyone else.

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